Lets start with what the government defines as domestic abuse:
“Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality”
Now we’ve got that out of the way, let’s turn our attentions to the reasons behind why the abuse occurs. Again, there is a tendency to believe the old cliché about abuse occurring due to alcohol or drugs. Some other favourites are mental health issues or learning disabilities. I am not going to deny that these factors can lead to violent and abusive behaviour but I would ask one question to anybody believing these excuses: Why is that person not indiscriminately abusive to whoever they come into contact with? If a man goes to the pub, has a few pints, walks home and then beats up his wife how can that be alcohol induced? Presumably there were plenty of people at the pub and/or on the way home to take out their ‘aggression’ on?! If somebody has a mental health issue which means that they occasionally become violent, why would they save that abuse for the person they were living with? Another popular excuse is ‘anger’. Many people who have perpetrated domestic abuse have claimed to have anger management issues and consequentially been sent on courses only to complete them and continue the abuse. The reason I bring up anger as a myth is because I think it is actually the furthest from the truth. Angry, violent outbursts are just that; outbursts. How can somebody become angry in a supermarket because their partner bought the wrong bread then save it until 2 hours later when they get home and are alone? It doesn’t make sense and reason that it doesn’t make sense is because it simply is not true. The reason that people perpetrate domestic abuse is to have power and control.
I would advise anybody who is considering having any contact with another human being to read Pat Craven’s book ‘Living With The Dominator‘. In it she draws on her extensive experience of working with violent men during her time as a probation officer to split the ‘Dominator’ into having 8 personas. These personas describe the varying types of abuse - financial, sexual, emotional, physical, isolation - and what tactics the dominator will use to break people down so that they have control over them. This could be anything from isolating people from their friends by monopolising their time to physically locking them in the house or hiding their shoes. It could be agreeing to give a person money for housekeeping or clothes for the children in exchange for sexual favours. It could be beating a person senseless and then cuddling them and tending to their injuries in such a sweet and sensitive way that the vicitm not only believes that the abuser has returned to their 'real self' but now has a totally warped perception of what 'love' is. This results in a victim devoid of self esteem, confidence, friends, family, self belief, money and freedom thus giving all power to the perpetrator. The very opposite of this being an emotional and spontaneous action, such as anger, the dominator is calculating and plans every move like a sick game of chess.
Given all this, it might seem easier to understand why people stay with abusive partners. Often, people who do try to leave have to return due to lack of planning and that gives the perpetrator even more dominance. Quite often, victims don''t even realise they are being abused. Emotional abuse is very subtle but can leave the most lasting scars. After all 'sticks and stones'... You may think that I am being unfair to the friends and family of the victim - surely they could go to them for support? Chances are is that our abuser is a bit of a charmer. Got time for everyone and generous to a fault. Who would believe that kind of behaviour from such a lovely person….
I don't know quite how to end this. Hopefully I have enlightened a few people. All I know is (as cheesy as it sounds) is that domestic abuse won't end with ignorance of it.
