If you need Mothers/Fathers/Valentines day, you're doing it wrong

When I tell people that I have twins, they often ask how I manage. My immediate response is always 'my mum'. This week she has come over at 7.30am to help me get everyone up and my daughter off to school, taken me shopping whilst my car was in the garage and looked after the twins so I could get out the house and not have babies attached to me for a couple of hours. Even before the twins came along and she retired from a pretty full on job of being a nurse, she looked after my daughter one day a week. My daughter and I moved back in with her and my stepdad for a year, she was my birthing partner when my daughter was born, I see her at least once a week so I can get the food shopping done with as little fuss as possible. For all this, and so much more, I never stop appreciating all that she has done and continues to do for me. That's everyday of the year, not just the one designated by the card company and the people who make those God awful mix CD's containing no songs my mum would want to listen to.

It's scary really. I am only 5 years into a job that I have for life. Even now, after moving out and starting my own family, I am calling the dad's taxi/diy/haulage company. He's seen me through 2 house moves, shed and playhouse assembly, odd jobs, 4 am airport runs and various furniture collections. Ok, so maybe I didn't buy him a card in June, but that doesn't mean I don't think I have the best dad in the world.

Valentine's day is the one I have the biggest issue with. First of all, it's creepy. Going out on a prescribed night to prove your love for someone whilst a restaurant full of people do the same...that just seems a bit weird to me. Secondly, the sheer expense of the crap that Clintons will convince you that you need to buy is staggering. Give a week and it is all 25p. Lastly - the pressure! Whether you've been dating a week or year, just the idea that you have to do something (not just anything, it's got to be epic, unique, romantic) is ridiculous.

So here's my world changing manifesto. Buy/make someone you love a gift and give it to them because you love them. Write a poem, make them a cup of tea, turn the phone/tv off and give them 10 minutes of attention without any distractions. Don't wait for a special occasion - being alive is a special occasion and life is too fucking short.

Children Should Rule The World

I had a really interesting conversation on Twitter a while ago over the 'NoMorePage3' petition and the difficulty in explaining to children why there are bare boobs in a 'family' newspaper.  This expanded into how we dealt with some of the wonderful questions kids come out with.  How do you make babies?  Why is that man wearing a dress?  What's wrong with that person in a wheelchair?  (Usually all asked high volume in a crowded place just to make it more fun!)  We concluded that telling our respective children about issues that come up in the news etc can sometimes be complicated because of having to avoid jargon/confusing language but ultimately worth it for two reasons. 1) Kids will ask questions.  They have a thirst for knowledge and want to understand the world around them.  It is our duty to make that easier and less scary for them to deal with.  2) Children have such a wonderful unblinkered view of the world.  They are like little sponges that soak up information and experiences without the prejudices that we as adults carry with us.

I was planning this post for a few days before the news broke about the death of teacher Lucy Meadows.  Reading the shocking media coverage of her transition, and how a few parents reacted, affirmed my belief that a world government of under 10's would ultimately make the world a much happier place.

One parent complained that rather than Mr Upton returning to school as Miss Meadows after the Christmas break, she should have slunk off, had her gender reassignment and returned to work at a different school because it was too difficult to explain to children of that age.  Apparently one child was worried he would wake up with 'girls brains' as that is how Ms Meadows had explained she felt as though she had been born, they had just been put inside a male body.  So far, I see nothing complicated to explain.  Just because some people become aware at some point in their lives that they were born in the wrong body doesn't mean everyone will.  Lucy Meadows was only guilty of trying to correct a cruel trick by nature - or God, seeing as it was a CofE school.  Explain it in simple terms like that and chances are a child will accept it as the way it is.  No drama.  It's us that adds the drama.  The real complications come about because of adults own prejudices and/or ignorance of the situation and this affecting their inability to explain as they try to incorporate reasons for those prejudices.  Suddenly 2+2=4 becomes 2+5x3.14-10 etc etc = 5 (if you're lucky). 

Whilst watching news coverage of the Marriage Equality debate, my daughter asked 'why are those men shouting at each other'.  I explained that these were the people in charge of running the country and they were talking about whether men/men and women/women should be allowed to get married.  This did confuse her.  Purely because she couldn't understand why they weren't already allowed!  Ok, she's still at an age where she wants to marry her dad and we have talked about why that won't ever be allowed, but the reason she wants to marry her dad is because she loves him.  As far as she is concerned, that is what it is all about at the end of the day.  Two grown ups who love each other.  A tweet recently by a mum of a young child said that her daughter had commented that if she were in charge she would make rich people pay more money to help look after the poor people.  Are you listening government?  Kids get it.  Everything is so black and white for them.  It either is or it isn't.  This is usually a stand point I hate in adults (usually because they will benefit in some way from ignoring the grey area) but from children, you know that it is coming from a place of innocence and a want for the world to work and people to get along and be happy.

Just think about your aspirations as a 10 year old.  You want to play with your friends, feel safe and happy.  Nothing feels impossible.  Wouldn't it be nice if we could carry that on into adulthood and in turn provide a nurturing, safe environment for everyone?

The really offensive 'F' word

My name is Sophie.  I'm 27 and I am a feminist.  

It has taken me some time to come to terms with this but as they say, the first step is acceptance...  Until fairly recently, I had feminists pegged as angry, hairy legged, man haters that over analysed things to find some sort of sexist agenda.  Which is why I was shocked at being bought The Women's Room and Opting In: Having A Child Without Losing Yourself as birthday presents a few years ago.  I questioned my friends on why they had bought me feminist books as presents.  I had never identified as been a feminist and was confused.  I believed in that over arching term of 'Institutionalised Sexism' and naively assumed that everybody knew about it and disagreed with it, obviously.  I am aware that what follows is going to make me sound like an egocentric maniac, but I guess I always thought of myself/my beliefs as the benchmark.  'This is what normal, civilised humans think and anything else is lefty airy, fairy, hippy nonsense/conservative, privileged crap'.  I'd never thought of myself as having 'liberal' views on parenting, gender equality, abortion/euthanasia etc they were just my views and it was up to everyone else to be pigeonholed.

I carried on with my life not really giving it any thought.  Got a bit miffed at people almost exclusively buying dolls and fairy stuff for my daughter when I wanted her to have Lego and a few cars.  Being aware of the continued use semi naked women to advertise everything from bingo sites to spark plugs.  Maybe I have a slight bias having a daughter.  I don't want her to ever believe she has to act in a certain way just because she is a girl.  She is very susceptible to the way that TV, magazines, toys etc are aimed at girls or boys depending on the content even at the tender age of 4.  This targeting will continue.  As a girl who grew up with sleek, skinny, pert models spread across every magazine I bought when I was slightly pudgey, curvy, frizzy haired mess (imagine a teenage 'Ugly Betty' minus glasses for visual reference).   She has recently had a bit of trouble at pre school with a boy who has been pinching her.  I did the usual parent thing of explaining that this is the way that boys sometimes act when they like someone.  Then immediately checked myself and told her that if he ever did it again she was to scream really loud and tell him not to do it/tell a teacher.  Telling her to stay away from that particular boy smacked too much of taking the blame away from his unacceptable behaviour.  I guess I could be accused of over analysing the situation.  Could this small incident of bullying really set her up for a life of being a victim?  I doubt it, but it is the kind of thing I worry about as a parent.

It wasn't until I started to really use Twitter that I realised that there were other people out there that think like me.  The 'Slut Walks', in particular this photo, was a real turning point for me.  Surely people don't blame victims of rape for the crime committed against them anymore?  That is as archaic as wearing a girdle.  Everyone knows that rape is about power and dominance and nothing to do with lust.  Another naive assumption.  I then came across @nomorepage3 - an agenda I had long since agreed with and a petition I happily signed immediately after finding out about it.  This lead me to @EverydaySexism a wonderfully tragic account of women's daily encounters with misogyny and sexual harassment.   It was here that I really learnt that there is absolutely no over analysis needed to find examples of sexism.  It's just one of those things, once you become aware of it, you see it everywhere.  Which I do now - everywhere.  Supermarket Christmas ads were rich pickings, every single one showing a women slaving over wrapping presents, cleaning, cooking the dinner with a triumphant male carving the turkey and then slumping on the sofa whilst said woman was washing up.  Instructions to buy power tools and computer games, hairdryers and make up for men and women respectively.  The New Year ones, if it is possible, are worse.  I sat through 5 adverts in a row one night telling me lose weight, buy this brand of low calorie food, start this diet plan, be gorgeous enough to have Aunty Gok wanting to grope me...

Twitter, that social media wonder, has opened my eyes and I now have a brilliant collection of inspiring like minded feminists to follow.  (That really helps with my sanity.  Regular 'phew, I'm not the only one' moments)  I don't know, nor am I interested, whether they shave their legs, armpits or even bikini lines (particularly the men).  If they hate men, then that's their prerogative (I'm fairly sure they hate a few narrow minded women as well).  It doesn't stop them from being intelligent, insightful, funny and warm human beings who are striving for their belief that women deserve the same respect and opportunities as men.  And we do.  We've fucking earned it.